What's Justice Got to do With it?

About three and a half years ago I was told I have bipolar disorder. I wrote a blog shortly after being diagnosed and I think I'm finally ready to write a new one. I'm writing this for a couple of reasons. First, if anyone reading this has been wondering about their own mental state this might help them see the difference between "mood swings" and being a moody person. The second reason is because I want to remind myself what I went through. It is a constant struggle to keep myself healthy enough to (hopefully) prevent another mood swing. I don't always want to go to bed early, eat the right food- the junk just tastes so much better- or exercise (I'll admit I slack on this one a lot). Sometimes I wonder if the doctor may have been wrong, I tend to be pretty normal most of the time.

I've always been pretty emotional. I several times throughout my life when I've spent large portions of several days crying. Usually there is a reason for the crying but its always been pretty disproportionate to how upset I've been. If I had to guess I'd say a couple times per year I spend about a week, sometimes longer, crying daily without really being able to vocalize what I'm so upset about. These crying fits happen (generally) during high stress times in my life; the higher the stress level the longer they last. There have been times I remember being mistreated because of the bad days. People thought I was being over dramatic to get attention so they ignored me or told me to stop acting that way. Looking back I'm not sure if they actually did mistreat me or if I thought they were because I couldn't clear my head. I don't think my perception was always accurate during these times.

On the flip side, there have been other times in my life when I haven't felt so depressed. During these times my mind has been racing, I have a million thoughts going on in my head and have trouble deciding which thought to focus on. During these times I start a lot of projects: writing a book, writing several blog posts, buying sketch pads to start drawing cartoons. I've thought about starting other projects: building doll houses, writing a screenplay, pastoring my own church. The problem with all the thoughts is I'm never able to finish any of my projects. During days like these I've have the attention span of a gnat, five minutes into one project I'm ready to move on to the next. I also have trouble focusing on other people. I can't decide which of my own thoughts to focus on and hearing other people talk feels like an even further distraction. I get frustrated with people trying to make conversation with me or trying to have conversations with others in my hearing distance.

All of the previously mentioned ideas are pretty harmless and if I could bring myself to finish one I think it would be awesome but I've also had some other ideas I've (luckily) never acted on because they wouldn't be so harmless. About every two-three years of my adult life I've seriously considered quitting my job, buying and RV and traveling around the country. If not at RV the thought has been to buy a house boat (I love water!). At other times the plan has been to move to New York or California to become a successful screen writer because the reason that career path didn't pan out is my location.

Just before being told I was bipolar (and taking some medication) I actually came pretty close to buying an RV. I'd found a few on Craigslist that were within my price range if I completely drained my life's savings. Thankfully I didn't do that or I'd have an RV and no money right now. A few other things happened around that same time, the biggest issue being I started to believe some of my closest friends were talking about me behind my back, conspiring against me. I thought my, at the time, roommate was the leader of this conspiracy although she'd never actually done anything malicious or harmful to me (or anyone else, I'm sure!) My life felt like it was spiraling out of control, I couldn't concentrate at work I had trouble dragging myself out of bed in the mornings. I had trouble communicating, I would give half thoughts and get frustrated that others weren't following what I was saying; I thought I was speaking clearly and thoroughly. I was pretty perceptive to voice tone and facial expressions so although my friends never told me I was 'crazy' they were concerned and I could tell they thought something was wrong. Instead of taking the concern as a sign see a doctor I took it as a sign that they were conspiring against me.

What's justice got to do with it? In my opinion it is very important for all of us to have trusted friends and family to bounce ideas off of. Unfortunately, there is a large stigma associated with mental illness. It can be difficult for people to seek help because they don't want to be labeled as crazy. It can also be difficult, was a person has been diagnosed, to tell friends and family. When events that feel very large are being kept a secret it is difficult to get close to people. No one should have to struggle in secret when there is a large world filled with people who could offer support.

We've got to make mental illness an acceptable topic of conversation. I have an excellent group of supportive friends. People I can talk to and seek opinions as to what goals seem worth while and what goals might be a little too much to take on at once. If with my amazing group of friends I've had trouble writing this blog. Partly because it's still hard for me to clearly 'vocalize' what life has been like for me; reading through this post I still think I've given my readers barely a glimpse into my life. And partly because I'm not sure who might read this, friends who may not have already heard my story before and I don't know what anyone will think if they aren't already part of the inner circle of friends who talked me through the early stages of diagnosis.