Most of my life I've been told I'm too quiet, shy, and introverted. Throughout my high school years I can admit I was too shy. I was shy to the point of being afraid to live. I was afraid to share my opinion, in case someone disagreed with me (didn't want to give people reasons not to like me). I hated being the focus of attention, in case someone thought I said or did something silly (didn't want to give people reasons to laugh at me). In a lot of ways these insecurities are a large part of going to high school, it is a natural stage in life to want to fit in. I took this stage to an extreme though, and it carried on into early adulthood. I was probably bordering on a little social anxiety.
In high school I remember one of my leaders telling me I needed to learn not to be so introverted. These are words I've been told many times since then. As a high school kid I took her words to heart and told myself I needed to be more of an extrovert, the problem was I didn't know how to be less introverted. I spent a lot of time envying my more extroverted friends because that is what I was told I should be.
Throughout early adulthood I've had other well intentioned friends and leaders give me the same advice. One of my leaders would point out extroverted mutual friends and tell me to spend more time with them so I could learn to be more like them. I know she meant well with this advice but what it communicated to me was I had some sort of personality defect. If I could learn to be more like someone else I'd be okay but if I continued being me I'd never rid myself of this defect. Unfortunately for me, personality isn't really something that's learned. We can learn self control, stepping out of our comfort zones, we grow into maturity, but personality is just a part of who we are. And my personality was broken.
A couple years after this bad advice I was finally starting to be more comfortable with who I was. I still felt a little defective because I'd so often been told I was, or at least I'd interpreted it from things I was told, but I was getting better at making friends. I was less anxious in social settings. Basically, I thought I was maybe getting better (fixed, healed). I met a new friend at this time. She told me that she'd had other shy, quiet friends in her life but she'd always been able to draw them out and she was sure she's be able to do the same for me. We spent a couple weeks getting to know each other. I thought we were becoming good friends but after a couple weeks she stopped talking to me. I was missing my new friend so I decided to ask her what was up. She told me she thought she'd be able to make me more like her but it clearly wasn't working (I am me after all), I was too much work and wasn't worth her time. She sounded very casual when she said it; it wasn't like we were fighting, more a statement that I, her new project, didn't work and she was done. I was devastated, not only had I lost a new friend but I learned my defect hadn't been cured at all. In fairness to this girl we actually did become pretty good friends later on, and I honestly don't think she remembers having said this to me.
Throughout my early adulthood (and as a high school kid) I had been passed up for leadership opportunities because I "just don't have the personality for it", ignored by peers because I'm "too much work" (though not all my peers have been like this), and sometimes talked down to as though my quiet demeanor were a sign of stupidity. Fast forward a few more years...
A couple years after the encounter with my friend I moved. I was in a new location with a different job. If people thought I was quiet before, imagine the most shy person you've ever met moving to a place where she knows absolutely no one. Yeah, that was me. This time, however, I was working under the absolute best leaders I have ever known. They helped me get over my fear social settings. They were eager to listen to my ideas, gave me opportunities to act as a leader. They were very encouraging and supportive. Together we led a five month long program. They never told me I couldn't do it; they constantly told me I was capable. They didn't step in to help unless I asked for help. They wanted me to have the opportunity to do as much as I was able.
At the end of the five month program we were undergoing some leadership training together. Part of the training involved us taking the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. This "personality" test is designed to measure several aspects of a person's temperament. While their is no "right" or "wrong" temperament the knowledge and understanding of the different types can help people relate to each other a little better.
Having worked so hard to be a good leader during my first real opportunity to do so I was hoping the test would finally tell me I had become an extrovert. I'd done really well on socialization and was no longer allowing fear to control my every move. I was devastated when the test revealed me to be a very strong introvert. I was so upset I began crying. People were asking me what was wrong and I was afraid to answer them so I sat in silence for a few minutes until one of the amazing leaders I mentioned (Kim) suggested the two of us go to a different room and discuss what I was so upset about. Without me even telling her the problem she asked if I was upset it had labeled me an introvert (we had discussed some of my insecurities in the past). After some comforting and reassurance from her we rejoined the group and she helped me explain why I had been so upset. Then she and Jamie (the other amazing leader) explained what the terms "introvert" and "extrovert" really mean and why I can be just as good a leader and just as strong and confident an individual as an extrovert.
An introvert is not "a quiet person" and extrovert is not "a loud person". An introvert is a person who recharges their energy through time alone; an extrovert is someone who recharges their energy by being around other people. Basically, introverts crave socialization just like extroverts do. We may not go out and party as often and some of us would prefer smaller gatherings of close friends than large groups of strangers at a party but we do still like to socialize. Extroverts need alone time just like introverts do. The alone time may not be as frequent and the chosen "lone activities" may be different but that need to get away exists for extroverts as well. To simplify: my husband is an extrovert; if the two of us are planning to go to a party together on Saturday night I will spend some time by myself on Saturday morning to make sure I've got the energy for all the socialization later. We'll both get ready for the party on Saturday afternoon then when we get home he won't be able to sleep because he got so revved up spending time with his friends. He'll have to get some down time to unwind.
A large part of the problem is we get the word "introversion" mixed up with the words "fear, shy, cold, isolated, and distant" while the latter words are negatives introversion is NOT a synonym. I know in my case when I was told to "stop being so introverted" I ended up living more in fear which created a more shy and timid Shellie, this in turn gave (some) people the impression I was cold, distant and disinterested in friendships. When I have been given the freedom to be me as an introvert I really had a chance for my personality to shine. Since being given this freedom I've become a better version of me; I've stopped trying to be someone else which in turn means I haven't zapped myself of all energy trying to fit in. I've made friends more easily and I don't think I give the impression of being disinterested anymore.
So, what's justice got to do with it? I feel it is a justice issue when anyone is told their personality is wrong. We all deserve the freedom to be who God made us. When that freedom is taken away it creates people who feel isolated and lonely. If we can work harder to understand each other it will be easier to relate to each other. Some of my best friends are extroverts and I would never want them to be anything else. Their personality traits and characteristics are unique to who they are; I can't change them (and wouldn't want to) and they can't change me. Our world becomes a better place when we not only accept but embrace our differences because its only through interaction with people of differing thoughts, perspectives, and personalities that we are truly challenged in our own thoughts and decision making processes.
This post is just an introduction into the topic of introversion vs. extroversion. I have much more to say and will continue this series later in the week.
